Life Happens

waiting for that call to come is close to killing me wanting to hear your voice after all these months is the most bitter sweet thing to hope for i'm scared to see what you say, is it good or is it bad? will you break my heart? i hope not but maybe i deserve it for doing the same to you my friends and family warned me about reaching out but at this point it hurts worse not to i'm dying to know if this still hurts you like it does me is this fixable? is it too late? has too much happened? i hate to give myself any hope because it will destroy me if i give too much but if i give myself none at all it will do the same anyway since when did i become the girl who's nerves are frayed awaiting a call from a boy? fuck it since when did i think i was able to evade being in love?

Rarely a day goes by that I don’t think of us And I know that sounds melodramatic But I’m just a communication fanatic Finding myself with a lack of closure I know we had that day on the bench With our goodbye kiss And I’m not looking for bliss But it looks like you couldn’t give a shit Anymore I talk to my therapist about my problem with loss But maybe my problem with us Is you. I don’t want to throw blame But every time I try to make it okay You want to walk away But wait There was no closure I’m not done And then comes the irritation Acting like I’m some sort of irregulation I’m not trying to have an interrogation I JUST WANT TO TALK No reply. Maybe that’s why I can’t move on. I know we can’t be the same And I don’t want to go back because I was severely depressed Tired of sex The picture of a wreck But what did I do to you for you to treat me like this When I broke your heart I broke mine as well Rarely a day goes by that I don’t think of us

   Through all the bad I’ve been through and talk about on here, this is the most me I feel I have ever felt and I’m damn proud of it. I think through all I’ve gone through and lost, I found someone I actually like and that’s me. I’m miles from who I was a few years ago and I’m so happy about that. I’ve stopped relying on peoples opinions because I’ve realized the most important persons opinion on myself is my own.    A year ago I would have been horrified to leave the house with nothing less then a full face of makeup on, where as now I rarely wear any. Not to say that I don’t wear makeup as a screw you to society or whoever, but I’m more comfortable in my own skin so that I don’t feel  I have to unless I want to wear it. I’m also the heaviest I’ve ever been but I’m also the most confident I’ve ever been. Sure, some days I feel fat but I’m not obsessive about what I wear and how skinny it makes me look. I wear something nice if I want to look nice but I’ve started wearing what I like

   I’m in what my therapist calls a valley right now, and I like that symbolism for it, so that’s what I’ll call it too. What I’ve learned about life is that it isn’t linear, it’s mountains, valleys, and plateaus. So to put all those cutesy Pinterest sayings aside, I’m saying life kind of sucks right now. I’m not particularly depressed, not particularly anxious, but everything just kind of sucks.    For one thing, I’ve had Mono for about 2 weeks. Before you think I’ve gome around and kissed everyone in sight, it can be spread through drinks too, which I’m guilty of sharing. I know, I know, bad. I’ve learned my lesson because let me tell you, it is hell. For the first week I truely felt like I was physically dying, but it’s progressing gotten better. I’ve always heard people sleep a lot when they have mono but I did not sleep one sound night for about a week because of the pain.    On a less physical aspect, I’ve felt rather isolated. I have a lot of people who I would consider friend

Though I miss you something terrible, I know my choice wasn’t a mistake Because I’ve found myself in your absence And that is something I had to do on my own. I thought myself so independent, Never reliant, But looking back, We were so dependent. I’m not preposing you can’t grow with someone, But instead of having our own vines to intertwine, We bloomed together. Now I’ve bloomed on my own And love the life I’ve built myself. It’s not perfect, No garden ever is, But I’ve grown so far and the progress is all of my own. Yet with all the new, I still yearn for you. I wouldn’t take it all back, Not at all, But I hope maybe one day we’ll grow together, Again.

Don’t mistake her Passion as fragility, For once she sank Into the depths of Hell; The fire almost Drowning her, But she resurfaced. She healed her burns Not letting them Close her off, But open her up, Wearing her scars As display of newfound Power over herself. Her beauty is fierce And Her love is fiery; She gives heart But Is far from the damsel.