Bisexuality

   I suppose this is me officially coming out. I’m slightly terrified but also feel incredibly liberated. I want to be proud of who I am, so this is me, unapologeticly. I am bisexual. 

   I didn’t have someone in particular that made me “realize” it; in fact, for a long time I denied it to myself. Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t think it was cool or popular to be bi (Shocking, I know). I thought maybe it was normal to see girls the way I did so I never thought twice about it, until  around my freshman year. That’s when I started considering I was anything but straight. There were more people coming out and being gay wasn’t as taboo as I had always thought; before you even think it, no, it’s not like that “turned” me gay. I think having my eyes opened to something other then heteronormative life, even if it was just a glimpse, made me realize how I saw girls wasn’t how straight girls saw them. Now, at that point I had had boyfriends and was sure I liked guys. I was totally and utterly confused. Here is a glimpse of what my internal dialogue was like at that point: ”I know I like boys?? But girls are so attractive too?? Wait maybe they aren’t... nope they are definitely attractive... but so are guys??? No. No. I am straight. Wait, maybe I’m not?”. I kept this all to myself till another friend and I were talking to an openly queer friend of ours. After many, many questions, I decided to tell them that I was bisexual, which was followed by a completely accepting response. Even after that, I was terrified of my feelings and only told one other person. 

   When you spend your whole life brought up in a line, only to not follow what is the norm, it’s scary. I was embarrassed of myself. I took a lot of time just thinking it over, reading posts and watching vlogs of bisexual people. Once I was more comfortable with the title and my feelings, I decided to tell my mom. We have always been close and I thought that if I talked to her about it I would be more assured of who I was. I had a handful of friends in the LGBT+ community and my mom has always been accepting of them, so I didn’t expect more then a little confusion. I was sorely mistaken and completely heart broken with the response. (She now is open to my sexuality, but at the time was very much not.)

   After such a bad response, I suppressed any idea of that completely; I was disgusted with it and myself. I felt like something was wrong with me. I hid it so far down that, for a while, I forgot about it. I went on like that for around a year, and even got a boyfriend. When we got to a point that he knew me almost as well as I knew myself, it felt like a lie keeping it from him. I was so scared to not be accepted again. Eventually I told him and I talked to him about it more openly then I had anyone; he took it better then I could have hoped. Next person to tell was my best friend. I’m not sure why it took me so long to force the words out but, of course, she was my biggest supporter; I think we both cried that day. That’s the point when I started accepting myself for who I was.
  After about 2 years of questioning and being told who I was, I am finally sure of myself. There is nothing wrong with me; love is not a choice. I didn’t ask to be this way but I’ve learned to love it. This who I am and I give no apologies for it. I am proud of who I am and not embarrassed or disgusted or scared. I am proud to be bisexual.