Faith

I believe in God and I believe Jesus died for our sins. I am a Christian.

   I didn’t grow up in a religious home. Yes, we were Christian, but we didn’t talk about God or Jesus or go to church on Sundays. I didn’t know the Bible by heart, I couldn't even name you more then 3 of the books. Funnily enough, when I was young and acting up my mom would threaten me by saying I had to go to Wednesday night church. Religion was just not a factor in my life until middle school. My best friend at the time went to Fuse, a Wednesday night youth ministry, and invited me to go. I went and it was fun, I sang to songs, played games but it wasn’t much more then an event to me. After continuously going, I started actually listening to the sermons and not just enduring them; I got saved and baptized. I don’t have the date memorized or remember exactly how it happened because it was so long ago and I don’t think I realized the full significance of it. Not meaning I didn’t truely believe, but I didn’t know how big of a step it was.

   Fast forwarding some, I started going every Wednesday and volunteering on Sunday. I was full on Jesus freak, and it felt incredible. I had no doubt in my faith and all my trust in God. If you are a Christian you know what I’m talking about when I say I could feel God with me; I felt that overwhelming presence, and the reassurance of Him every single service. I was on a high I had never known before. No, I still hadn’t read the Bible cover to cover nor could I tell you verses off the top of my head, but I knew Jesus and that was the most important thing to me.

   After a while my progression of faith started to slow down. I think what happened was I got so used to it, it started feeling like a chore. I didn’t feel that precence every time like I used to, and it really discouraged me. That mix of repetition and discouragement led me away from church. Going to church became a rarity and when I did go, I would just be disappointed again because I wouldn’t get feeling I so craved. I felt like an imposter with people around me who had such strong faith and knew more about the Bible then me. I was tired of making the choice wether to go to church, feel nothing, wonder why I went, or, not go to church, people reaching out, and then feeling guilty for not going. So, I walked away from church and God.

   I walked away because of my doubt but also because I didn’t know how my bisexuality and faith meshed. I’ve always been my biggest critic. I’m not one for peoples opinions to bother me, but I’m harder on myself then anyone could be. I still wrestle with figuring out how I can be bisexual and a Christian to this day. I have always been taught homosexuality is a sin, plain and simple, but also that God loves everyone no matter their sins. That was the one thing in my faith I couldn’t just accept even before I figured out I was bisexual. How can love be wrong? Why? You can’t even fathom how may times I have prayed and researched about this. It’s been on my heart for a very long time and I could just never come to the conclusion that it’s wrong.  Maybe something was lost in translation? The context of it? Homosexuality only being mentioned in lust and not love? Maybe it was the patriarchal, heteronormative time the Bible was written in? I honestly have no idea how, when, what or why but I just can not tell you it’s a sin. I can’t. (Pretty controversial, I know. Welcome to the blog)

   Mental illness has also been a wall between me and my faith. With all I struggle with, sometimes I feel like God isn’t on my side and that I’m alone. It’s hard to focus on Him when all you can do to keep from falling apart is work on yourself. But He can help you work on yourself. Now, I do not believe that if I just pray all my mental illnesses will fall away, with no other aids. Maybe I’m just not faithful enough to rely strictly on prayer, but mental illness is illness and things like medication and therapy were created by God for that illness.

   I have been in and out of church, with ups and downs in faith, which we all go through, but this summer at a church retreat called Gauntlet, I was absolutely recked by Him. After my lack of faith and absence from church walking into this retreat, I expected nothing more then a fun week at the beach. I did a complete 180 in my faith. The whole week was an amazing experience, but one night in particular I think will stick with me for a long time. The majority of the night was a worship night, with a few brief words from pastors, and it was nothing like I’ve ever experienced. The power of God and the feeling of his precence in the room was overwhelming. We sang and cried and hugged and prayed.  It’s an amazingly odd experience when you fall to your knees, face on the ground, sobbing and thanking Jesus because of how happy and full you are. I have a crystal clear memory of turning around to look at the areana of people, tears streaming down my face and hand over my mouth because I was smiling so big it hurt. I must have looked insane smiling like a psycho as I cried (lol), but it was because I had found that feeling I desired for so long again; the feeling of knowing God. There was not a single doubt in my mind that night of how great He is. How could I possibly doubt the existence of Him ever again after that? After feeling Him so unquestionably?
   If we are being honest, I still have my moments, but I know how sure I was and remember that. God spoke to me that I needed to surround myself with people of strong faith, because I know how heavily I am impacted with the opinions of people close to me. That lead me to end a relationship and it completely broke my heart. I know it was what God wanted though because not only was the relationship hindering my faith but I decided I needed to stop having sex and that ended my temptation. I’m slowly learning how to put all my faith in Jesus again and I’m not going to lie, it’s hard, but it is so worth it. I know He is for me and for you (yes, you.). God is truely great.