Skip to main content

Bad Day

 I feel bad and I am pissed. I am so tired of it.

   I’ve been anxious all day so I skipped my first 2 periods but I decided to pull through and go to my dual classes anyways. I got up, did my makeup, and felt bad. I went to class, took my notes, and felt bad. I texted my mom I was going to my next class off campus, got in my car, and felt bad. I could feel the tears coming but I had done my makeup and I didn’t want to mess it up, so I tried to hold them back. They came anyway, and I was so pissed. I was pissed my makeup was now streaking down my face. I was pissed that I can’t easily go to all of my classes like everyone else. I was pissed that I can’t just feel normal. I am so damn tired of not feeling normal! I just want to be happy! I hit my steering wheel and screamed. I definitely looked like a psycho to anyone driving by. I cried and yelled at myself and at God and at this damn illness because I’m tired of seeing my moms face drop when I’m feeling anxious or depressed. I’m tired of having to text my best friend in the morning to find another ride because I’m not going to school. I’m tired of calling in sick to say I can’t volunteer at H.A.L.T.E.R. I’m tired of feeling like this, I’m pissed.
This is me in the midst of a bad day.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Mental llness

   Sometimes I think it's odd that people I see, talk too, work with, have no clue what goes on inside my head; my illness. It's not always physically noticeable, but it's most certainly there. I have clinical anxiety/panic disorder and major depressive disorder.    About 7 months ago my grandmother underwent a major surgery, which resulted in my first panic attack. My grandmother is now fine, as much as someone her age can be, but my anxiety continued and progressively got worse. I'm not sure if it would have resulted eventually anyway or if the stress of the surgery was a trigger, but from that point forward it's been part of my life. Not only did I start having anxiety, but depression too. They hit me like a brick wall and neither me nor my mom knew how to proceed. We started out just seeing if I could suck it up and wait for it to pass. When it didn't pass, and got worse, I told her I needed something to change because I could not live like this. We started

Closure: a poem

Rarely a day goes by that I don’t think of us And I know that sounds melodramatic But I’m just a communication fanatic Finding myself with a lack of closure I know we had that day on the bench With our goodbye kiss And I’m not looking for bliss But it looks like you couldn’t give a shit Anymore I talk to my therapist about my problem with loss But maybe my problem with us Is you. I don’t want to throw blame But every time I try to make it okay You want to walk away But wait There was no closure I’m not done And then comes the irritation Acting like I’m some sort of irregulation I’m not trying to have an interrogation I JUST WANT TO TALK No reply. Maybe that’s why I can’t move on. I know we can’t be the same And I don’t want to go back because I was severely depressed Tired of sex The picture of a wreck But what did I do to you for you to treat me like this When I broke your heart I broke mine as well Rarely a day goes by that I don’t think of us

Authenticity

   Through all the bad I’ve been through and talk about on here, this is the most me I feel I have ever felt and I’m damn proud of it. I think through all I’ve gone through and lost, I found someone I actually like and that’s me. I’m miles from who I was a few years ago and I’m so happy about that. I’ve stopped relying on peoples opinions because I’ve realized the most important persons opinion on myself is my own.    A year ago I would have been horrified to leave the house with nothing less then a full face of makeup on, where as now I rarely wear any. Not to say that I don’t wear makeup as a screw you to society or whoever, but I’m more comfortable in my own skin so that I don’t feel  I have to unless I want to wear it. I’m also the heaviest I’ve ever been but I’m also the most confident I’ve ever been. Sure, some days I feel fat but I’m not obsessive about what I wear and how skinny it makes me look. I wear something nice if I want to look nice but I’ve started wearing what I like